Recipes from the Swedish Chef
​Cricket Clam Crème Brulee
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8 ounces smashed crickets
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8 ounces of chopped clams
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1 cup sugar
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1 cup soured milk
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Smash all ingredients together and warm over old wooden stove for ½ hour, until bubbling.
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Place into oven at 450 degrees Fahrenheit.
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Remove and place into bent foil tin.
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Scorch top of mixture with an old cigarette lighter until you burn your fingers.
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Serve warm and leave the house quickly.
Jumbled Jambalaya with Goose Beak Bearnaise
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1 pound of fish bait
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1 pound spoiled rice
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1 can of old tomato soup
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1 freshly ground up goose beak
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1 can of powdered milk
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Combine fish bait, rice and tomato soup into an old pot
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Boil together over an open campfire
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Combine goose beak and powdered milk into shaker and shake violently
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Pour goose beak and milk into boiling mixture
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Serve hot and call poison control center for guests
BARF BAG RATING
Disgusting Recipes from the Swedish Chef
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Well it is the holidays and time to share some of my favorite recipes that I typically serve to people I do not like. I hope you can make sure your next holiday get together warms the hearts of your friends and family, and these will assure that everyone will leave hungry! I have also taken the liberty to provide a rating system. The higher the ‘Barf Bag’ rating, the less anyone would want to eat the recipe. Bony Appetite!
Baby Crocodile Chowder and Horrific Herring Halves
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1 Baby Crocodile with tail and claws
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1 cup of chicken broth
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2 pounds spoiled Herring
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½ cup buttermilk
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Chop baby crocodile into pieces, leaving upper jaw and tail as whole pieces
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Add baby crocodile and herring into chicken broth and boil the shit out of it for 2 hours
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Remove from heat and add buttermilk
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Serve in a dirty ashtray along with moldy bread and stale crackers and order food delivered for yourself
Cobra Ice Cream Sundae
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1 adolescent or adult cobra
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3 scoops favorite ice cream
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1 cup of chopped cobra nuts (if you can find them)
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¼ cup Carmel sauce
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Trap cobra and throw in the freezer until completely frozen
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Scoop ice cream into dish, leaving room on rim to place frozen cobra
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Open freezer and take out frozen cobra, wrap around ice cream in bowl
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Drizzle caramel sauce and sprinkle nuts across ice cream and cobra
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Leave house before cobra thaws and gets really pissed