Helloooo, my dears!
Well, dears I’ve been offered a lovely opportunity by the editors of The Strip to write an advice column. Isn’t that truly amazing, dears? There have been so many of you who have desperately sought my endless wisdom to solve some of the most tawdry and unfortunate of life circumstances, dears that I simply couldn’t say no. In fact, when it became known that I would be providing my insight with an advice column, I received a flood of e-mails, post cards, letters, and even a request in sky writing, dears! I do hope you glean some perspective from those who have had the good fortune of receiving my personal advice here, dears. Sit back and have a sip of tea with Mrs D!
Dear Mrs Doubtfire,
I’ve recently become single after many weeks of marriage here in RLC. The relationship was fulfilling at first, but after such a long time we decided to end our marriage. Now I’ve started sleeping around quite a bit and have already had about 25 encounters in just over two weeks. Is this healthy, or should I slow down? Signed, Newly Single Sam.
Dear Newly Single Sam,
Sexual liberation is a journey that each takes at their own pace, dear. In your case it seems more like a rocket to the moon, if you don’t mind me saying so, dear! I say, have fun as long as you keep things in perspective and are honest with your many many companions. You may also consider that putting so many notches in your bedpost at this rate you’ll have a toothpick at the head of your bed before you know it, dear.
Dear Mrs Doubtfire,
I recently purchased a hot water bottle and became very frustrated with the fact that after I put cold water in it, the water did not get hot. I feel like I’ve been tricked into buying this item, and the store won’t take it back. What should I do? Signed, Cold Crampy Legs
Dear Crampy,
I can certainly sympathize with feeling like you have been duped and taken advantage of by a local merchant. However, since no amount of hot water in that bottle will raise your IQ above room temperature, I would recommend taking the loss and perhaps filling the bottle with HOT water to see if it stays that way. I realize that some are blessed with a river of common sense, dear. You, however, happen to be in an oasis of ineptitude. Please do not have children, dear.
Dear Mrs Doubtfire,
I was recently speaking with my teenage son about sex. I explained how it all worked to him and he seemed very bored with the conversation, so I don’t know if he’s just not interested or if there’s something else going on. What do you think I should do? Signed, The Boring Birds and Bees.
Dear Boring,
The fact that you mentioned it was your ‘teenage’ son with whom you were having the conversation speaks volumes, dear. Most young boys at his age have already figured things out by trying to experiment or, they’ve found all manner of websites that have given them a master’s degree to what, evidently, is your high school education when it comes to sex, dear. Perhaps you should circle back with your son and see if he could provide some insightful links for you and your wife, dear.
Dear Mrs Doubtfire,
I’ve just recently joined RLC and I know it’s a good idea to make sure you’ve got pictures and something funny to say in your profile, but I’m just not very good at writing at all. I can take selfie pics and have quite a few but I just don’t know what to say. What should I do? Signed, 23 Years old with 9”.
Dear 23 and Me,
I know that it can be difficult to flesh out a robust profile in RLC, dear. From your signature, I would remind you that one picture is worth 1,000 words so use as many pictures as you can. Fill up that picture album from all angles, and don’t forget to zoom into all the areas you’d like to show me…I mean anyone who looks at your profile, dear. If you want to send me some samples, I’d be happy to review them with a smile, dear.