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Recipes from the Swedish Chef

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Disgusting Recipes from the Swedish Chef

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Well it is the holidays and time to share some of my favorite recipes that I typically serve to people I do not like.  I hope you can make sure your next holiday get together warms the hearts of your friends and family, and these will assure that everyone will leave hungry!  I have also taken the liberty to provide a rating system.  The higher the ‘Barf Bag’ rating, the less anyone would want to eat the recipe. Bony Appetite!

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​Cricket Clam Crème Brulee

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  • 8 ounces smashed crickets

  • 8 ounces of chopped clams

  • 1 cup sugar

  • 1 cup soured milk

  • Smash all ingredients together and warm over old wooden stove for ½ hour, until bubbling.

  • Place into oven at 450 degrees Fahrenheit.

  • Remove and place into bent foil tin.

  • Scorch top of mixture with an old cigarette lighter until you burn your fingers.

  • Serve warm and leave the house quickly.

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Jumbled Jambalaya with Goose Beak Bearnaise

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  • 1 pound of fish bait

  • 1 pound spoiled rice

  • 1 can of old tomato soup

  • 1 freshly ground up goose beak

  • 1 can of powdered milk

  • Combine fish bait, rice and tomato soup into an old pot

  • Boil together over an open campfire

  • Combine goose beak and powdered milk into shaker and shake violently

  • Pour goose beak and milk into boiling mixture

  • Serve hot and call poison control center for guests

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BARF BAG RATING

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Baby Crocodile Chowder and Horrific Herring Halves

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  • 1 Baby Crocodile with tail and claws

  • 1 cup of chicken broth

  • 2 pounds spoiled Herring

  • ½ cup buttermilk

  • Chop baby crocodile into pieces, leaving upper jaw and tail as whole pieces

  • Add baby crocodile and herring into chicken broth and boil the shit out of it for 2 hours

  • Remove from heat and add buttermilk

  • Serve in a dirty ashtray along with moldy bread and stale crackers and order food delivered for yourself

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Cobra Ice Cream Sundae

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  • 1 adolescent or adult cobra

  • 3 scoops favorite ice cream

  • 1 cup of chopped cobra nuts (if you can find them)

  • ¼ cup Carmel sauce

  • Trap cobra and throw in the freezer until completely frozen

  • Scoop ice cream into dish, leaving room on rim to place frozen cobra

  • Open freezer and take out frozen cobra, wrap around ice cream in bowl

  • Drizzle caramel sauce and sprinkle nuts across ice cream and cobra

  • Leave house before cobra thaws and gets really pissed

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